Drop No Eaves
by turn2stone
Summary: Eavesdroppers get more than they bargain...
**LC is on a warpath on all things Merlin. Help! I have created a monster! So anyway we are currently working on a long story together. In the mean time I am giving words to an idea that she kindly planted in my head. Hope you enjoy it.**

Now I am all for abiding by the Bechdel test when I write but this time I'm afraid I can't just comply. You see the events were such that if I were to narrate it then you would see that the subjects of the discussion are two young men. So you can say it is their fault why today I deviate from my rule.

So to start from the very beginning- my friend Maddie and I have this habit of finding hole- in- the wall kind of cafes whenever we need to vent about our terrible day at work; which to be honest happens every other week. The dim, cosy corners give us the privacy to grumble away our troubles while ploughing through brownies and coffee. So yesterday we were doing just that when two- eyeballs deep in argument- gentlemen sat at the table near us. Now, this hole- in- the- wall had crazy architecture- meaning they couldn't see us but we could glimpse them through a strategically placed mirror and also hear them speak. Not that this bothered us- we were more interested in our food; until one of them exclaimed: "You _idiot_! You rode me like a horse!"

It took great care in Maddie and my part not to react to such a proclamation. Given that we are both happily single- we find lovers' quarrels annoying. We looked at each other silently debating what to do? Do we make a sound so that these people realise that they are not alone? Or will that be too mortifying for them? Then again, it might serve them right! It's a public place for crying out loud. Our silent debate came to a standstill when we heard the following words: "Tell me it's not true. Tell me she did not join the nunnery. We loved each other. She would never do that."

Great. A guy who swings both ways. Was he questioning his sexuality? If so, we wanted to help. Yes we are helpful people- Actually Maddie wanted to help; I was just there with her for the ride (and a prospective story). But as we all know, data collection is the foremost rule when dealing with any problem; so we decided to wait and listen. You may say it's a gross invasion of privacy; but they were **in public!**

I glanced at the mirror to take in the subjects of our eavesdropping. Oh my, _hello_ eye candy. I would have to exert all my powers and skills to keep Maddie from jumping them if they turned out to be freaks! Just so you know my very promiscuous friend had taken a vow of celibacy earlier this year (in her defence, she was drunk); but if anyone could make her break her vow- it would be those two drop dead gorgeous men at the table. Well this is where my ill earned degree in English comes in handy. Description, description. Well built, both of them- though one was more bulky than the other. Shall we name them? Bulky ( **B** ) and Lean… No wait! Check out those ears. They would put an _elephant_ to shame. So Bulky ( **B** ) and Ears ( **E** ) it is. And that hair- does **E** not own a comb? Wild, untamed raven locks that matched the scruff on his face: along with cheekbones so high you could cut yourself on them and piercing blue eyes; boy did he make a delicious picture. Oh wait was that a pout? Damn I'm a gonner. Forget Maddie, _I_ might jump him myself (Bad girl). On the other hand, **B** had more classic looks. Straw blond hair, square jaw, light eyes… weird mouth though, but muscular.

Anyway I am deviating from the topic. It was their conversation that drew me to them. Never in my life have I heard such strange talk. They were speaking English yet their words made no sense at all.

 **E** patted **B** on the shoulder saying, "No she didn't join the nunnery. Yes you loved each other. Everyone knows that."

 **B** : Then why…

 **E** : There is a saying at this age Prat, never read the comments.

 **B** : What comments? I just read the book.

 **E** : Which you proceeded to rip apart! It was a library book you clotpole! You can be grateful we were not banned from the library.

 **B** : Banned? They ought to thank me idiot! I got rid of trash that was masquerading as history!

At **B's** indignant declaration, **E** dropped his head to the table and whimpered, "Why is it that even after all these years I can't take you anywhere and expect you to behave?"

Okay, this was a rather drastic shift in the conversation. I saw Maddie dig out her ever loyal note pad and scribble:

 **~What happened to the sex talk?~**

I shrugged. To be honest, curiosity arose. People don't jump topics like that. I wrote back:

 **~Let's think of it like a jigsaw, gather the pieces and we'll see what we can piece together.~**

 **B** was now poking **E** in the ribs and asking for goggles? His exact words: "Ask goggle, they seem wise."

 **E** hissed back, " _Google_! You insufferable dallophead! I have half a mind dropping you off where I found you in the first place! You are definitely not worth the pain to my old bones!"

 **B** scowled, "It's not my fault your instruction is lacking. Your laziness knows no bounds. What have you been up to all these years since I was gone? Lazing about? Sleeping away? The least you could do is keep up to times for me! And _old_? You look healthy as a horse; and I know my horses well old friend."

 **~Back to horses? Now maybe we will get the juicy bits!~**

The brief silence was brought to an end by the sounds of unzipping, rustling and finally rhythmic tapping of keys; and then nothing….

Then;

"I did _not_ sleep with my sister! **Or** _her_ sister!" came **B's** incredulous cry. "And where in the heavens did they get the idea that I fathered Mo-"

"Shut up, you are being too loud! And what did I tell you about using names?" hissed **E**. More tapping. And silence.

 _Now_ they think they are being loud? After all this time? What's the matter with **B**? He seems to be considered rather loose in his morals. His sister? His kid/kids? What _were_ these men up to?

 **B** : Who is…. _Niviane_?

 **E** : No one!

 **B** : You were enchanted by her, you lusted for her, desired her.

 **~Wow he sounds gleeful doesn't he?~**

 **E** : All lies! _No_! Don't read that!

 **B** : Why? If you think about it, I have every right to read. I was the one away for so long. You were the one here living your life. If you won't tell me what you have been up to all these years; I am going to have to find out somehow.

 **E** : You obnoxious prat! You are enjoying this way too much!

 **B** : After all these years you still use the same insults. You really are getting old aren't you?

 **E** : You think so, _Sire_?

 **B** : Well you do seem rather well _preserved_ for a cranky, foul mouthed old man!

 **~Old? C'mon get rid of the beard and he would look too young to be legal!~**

I glanced at Maddie's furious scribbles and back at the mirror. She was right. Mostly. Physically he looked young. But his eyes were ancient and his bearing was not that of carefree youth. I felt an involuntary shiver up my spine.

 **~It's the eyes.~**

My scrawl simply caused Maddie to roll her eyes and write back-

 **~They are gorgeous! Stop brooding… that's your broody face!~**

She knows me too well. Says I'm too serious. In my defence, when I'm with her I have to be both hers and my conscience. Or Lord knows what trouble she would drag me into! But before I get off on a tangent; let's get back to the actual conversation.

 **B** : Wait, go back!

 **E** : No!

 **B** : I command you!

 **E** : When have I ever listened to you?

 **B** : It was about your birth. It said you were sired by an incu-

Further speech was muffled by a choking sound and **E's** falsely cheerful voice claiming, "Eat up, you still have a lot of holes in your belt to fill."

"You know for someone who was distressed with what he read about himself; you seem to take intensive joy in reading out lies about me," **E** continued.

"There is a difference between you and I," **B** replied grandly.

"Pray tell," came **E's** sarcastic reply.

"They have completely mauled my character! And my honour!" insisted **B**.

"And you think they haven't screwed up mine?" **E** sounded incredulous.

"Let's see: meddlesome old man with an offensive air about him? I'd say they have dealt you a generous hand my friend. They even claimed you to be wise," **B** laughed. "Only I know the truth. You are lazy, clumsy, you are never on time, sloppily dressed and you have a fondness for the tavern."

"I was _never_ at the tavern! That was Gaius' ill thought excuse for _all_ the time that I have been saving your royal backside," **E** cried out.

Frantic pen scratches tore me from their conversation. Maddie shoved this under my nose:

 **~I know what's going on!~**

Before I could comment, she snatched the paper back and continued scribbling. I looked over her shoulder:

 **They** **\- some common friend who wrote a story where these two are rather controversial characters & now they are doing a character analysis! Think they will let me read it? Sounds scandalous=)~**

Okay, I have to say that sounded plausible. Totally. That, or they were simply bonkers!

 **B** : Do you know what I don't get? You have been around all this while. What on earth were you doing when they wrote this entire travesty? It's not just me but all our friends whose lives have been maligned! And you? You turn out to be this wise but manipulative old man walking hand in hand with my destiny. Tell me dear friend why did you let such mockery come to be?

 **~ Wise, old , manipulative? Is E= Dumbledore?~**

I slid the paper towards Maddie. She gave me her patented * and you say _I'm_ nuts* look.

 **E's** voice sounded pained when he finally replied, "What would you have had me say? I was barely alive since you went away. Time passed, days turned to nights, seasons changed, years went by; people moved on. But I stayed- untouched, unchanged. Those memories; they weigh down. The time spent with you was the happiest in my life. But after you, those memories were only a reminder of my failure. My mistakes, my folly, my decisions led to your downfall. Every day since has been my prison, a never ending torture for my deeds. I am nothing without you- two sides of the same coin, _remember_? I'd rather hear the wild tales and speculations; for my memories are precious to me. They are mine alone. People would know of your valour, bravery, courage and kind heart. But only I know of your loyalty to those you hold dear, your habit of throwing things at my head, your distaste in writing speeches, your pig-headedness, your love. So forgive me _Sire_ if I was selfish to keep what I knew to myself and let the assumptions float. It's the only thing that has kept me sane all this while."

Absolute silence followed. **E** had sounded as if he could cry. Maddie looked like she was ready to go and offer him a hug. If that wasn't the best love declaration ever. If I ever found a man like him, I would happily change my *singles only* stand.

The sound of chairs scrapping had us turning around just in time to watch **B** pull **E** into a hug. They stood their clinging to each other as if scared to let go. Unconcerned by onlookers and passers-by; it was truly a tender moment. "Guess he finally figured out which way he bent," Maddie whispered. I usually have a catty comeback for her but at that moment it felt disrespectful; all I could say was, "We should get going."

We stared to collect our belongings but stopped dead in our tracks when we heard a voice gleefully boomed, "The wife was right! The Princess is in the arms of his Mistress!"

Maddie was staring at the interloper with a ravenous look. "Babe, _he_ is simply delicious," her voice spoke of her intentions. But I've had enough. The whole eavesdropping had left me feeling out of sorts. I had thought it to be something of light hearted banter but what I heard was a man baring his soul so shamelessly. An admirable courage that I would never have. So I simply grabbed my belongings (including Maddie) and make a graceless (courtesy Maddie) exit.

Later Maddie told me that E, B and the interloper had stared at us gobsmacked and wide eyed while I attempted to shuffle her out the door.


End file.
